Chris Quinn: 'Dog Whisperer' might just keep Fido, and you, in line

San Antonio Express-News

Have you ever entertained company and watched as the family dog walked up, flopped down, stared you right in the face for a minute, then proceed to lick himself in unseemly places?

And when he was done, he again looked you in the eye and was like, "So, what of it?"

He then casually buries his face into the crotch of a guest, and when finally shooed off, looks back at you with a seeming smirk and wagging his tail in a snooty fashion?

It is as if they are thinking that just because they are flexible and without shame, they can do whatever they want and we should bow to their superior skills. But maybe it is a sense of genetic and species memory.

Maybe Modern Dog is thinking back to a time when Primitive Man worshipped them. Because think about it . . , There you are in prehistoric times, sitting picking grass and being bored because there is no Xbox. All of a sudden a hairy four-legged thing walks up, plops down and begins to lick himself in places unbecoming in front of company.

Can you imagine the sheer shock of such a thing? And remember, this is the first time we as a species ever saw: 1. a dog and 2. a public display of what would become "unacceptable behavior."

And being Primitive Man, you would then spend roughly three days trying to replicate the feat.

Modern Man, however, has advanced to the point where we spend only 10 to 20 minutes in an attempt before realizing it is an unachievable and pretty much useless action.

But Primitive Man, no way. Day 1: trying; Day 2: trying a different method; Day 3: Still trying, all due to male stubbornness. And the whole time there sits the dog, watching.

Predictably, in his failure to replicate the act, Primitive Man would eventually worship the dog.

Fast-forward to the present and here we all are, man and dog . . . and woman, living together in harmony. Since that first meeting, dog has gone from awe-inspiring deity to servant, then protector and finally, best friend.

Yet, never mistake that deep down, dog remembers. He remembers a time when he sat and watched a hairy, doltish, bipedal, almost ape roll around on the ground for three days trying to, well, be doggish.

Scary? Yes.

And what does all of this have to do with TV?

Not much. But consider this. In the parlance of our times and adhering to national thought, if it weren't for the invention of the vacuum cleaner we might all be speaking Dog. (Dogs fear vacuums like we fear death.)

And then came Cesar Millan.

Baby, I am floored by Cesar Millan and "Dog Whisperer," airing at 7 p.m. Fridays and various weekday mornings on National Geographic. Cesar — aka the Dog Whisperer — is clearly the smartest man in America. Why he is not yet ruling us all, I have no clue.

He is an animal behaviorist who "rehabilitates dogs and trains people." He also may be . . . a witch! No, no, only kidding. He is no Brujo, although his uncanny ability to work with dogs and modify their behavior is amazing and may have you reaching for an egg.

As he notes, dogs get their cues from their owners. I agree that there are no bad dogs, just crazy owners. And this is part of the fun of the show. You can guess the mental or emotional problem of the owners.

For example, my own little ongoing theory has hypothesized the following. Bipolar owner = constant barkers; lazy self-absorbed owner = moody dogs prone to property destruction; misplaced affection/co-dependant owners = frequent runaways; people who watch "American Idol" or "Dancing With The Stars" = pee-ers; and finally, those annoying "my baby does no wrong" and "this is not an animal but is equal to a human child" = dogs that bite and are as crazy as their owners. (Granted, I may be projecting a bit here, but go with me on this. It's a well-founded theory based on absolutely nothing.)

See, I grew up with dogs. Lots of dogs. There was hardly a time in my life when there was not a dog within 5 to 10 feet of me. My family loves the heck out of dogs — dogs every freaking place.

Truth is, I would be happy with a pet sock, or maybe a nice pet 2007 Dodge Charger.

I vowed never again to own a dog. But after watching the "Dog Whisperer," the fire has been rekindled. I am ready to give it another go. However, I am not as spry as I was when I was 9. I could really hurt my back this time. What can I say? I am male. And we males never admit defeat — just walk around with cricks in our necks.